Can we forget our first love ? (Part 1)
[language-switcher]
Can we forget our first love ? That’s the question I asked myself when I decided to take my computer and put the thoughts that were lurking in my head at 3 a.m.
Without asking my opinion, my mind decided to take me out of Morpheus’ arms and bring me back a few years. My husband is sleeping next to me. I put my head on his chest to hear the beating of his heart which declares a little more each time their love for me. He didn’t feel a thing. I take a look at the babyphone everything seems normal.
I love my life, and I would not change it for anything in the world.
I have been married for 5 years on a whim, 4 months after we met. 4 years later, two little angels joined our world to bring more light, more love, and to give it a real meaning. In spite of all this, will I ever be able to forget this boy who made me capsize one day? Will the love I have for my husband extend into my entire being, or will it politely leave room for Damian. Yes, he knows he stole my heart when it patiently awaited Damian. I am angry and hurt that I often think of someone else. To his birthday. To our date, or like right now at the alumni reunion day. Did I make the right choice? When I see the joy Maxim brings me, I say yes without a shred of doubt, but why is Damian still in me? Why are there still glowing embers of love in me that crackle and flare when I think of him.
I have only had two great loves. They look the same physically but are different at the same time. Damian has always been this handsome young man sure of his charm, charming, afraid of commitment, and loved by everyone. Whereas Maxim is an introvert, who doesn’t open up at first but is very funny and open when you have the privilege to enter his close circle.
5 years later, every sunrise when my eyes meet his gaze, I tell myself how lucky I am that he opened the doors of his heart and gave me the most coveted part. Unlike Damian, Maxim always knew what he wanted, which made me fall into his nets until he tied one of the ropes around my neck.
I was young when I met Damian. We must have been 15-16 years old. He was the new kid at school. As a class representative, I was responsible for showing him all the important places in the school and ensuring he was up to date in his courses. “Candice, this young man is under your wing,” the principal told me, “His words always made me laugh, this young man of 6’0 under the wing of the 5’7 I was. I was immediately attracted to his dark eyes and we ended up becoming best friends. Adventurous and sporty, we spent our vacations in the mountains. The more the years passed, the more our friendship was transformed into love, a very passionate love. Both he and I knew that our separation would be very disastrous. I could not see my life without him. I was addicted. He was my drug. Our relationship lasted 3 years but with multiple breakups. It was Damien who used to leave me and then always came back. He always had the same excuse “I love you more than anything that scares me. What would happen if I lost you. I can’t go on like this,” and I would take him back at the first ring. That was our relationship. During this break, we never saw each other. We watched each other from afar, phoned, and wrote to each other.
Everybody knew that we belonged to each other. My parents used to ask me how long it would last. Will we ever settle down? Will we ever get married or have children ….? I was also asking myself these questions, and I was also asking him. He knew from the first day that I wanted to be a mother, and I wanted the white dress. Being a Christian, it was impossible to not get married. He knew this but didn’t say anything, maybe because he didn’t want to. He liked his freedom. Going off on a whim with me. Yes, he loved doing that.
I never knew what my day would be like. Damian was the center of my universe, the father of my future children. My prayers were all about him. Today, I still wonder how I could say yes to Maxim. Everyone still wonders. We all thought that I would end up with Damian. But Maxime was the answer to my prayers. I wanted God to transform Damian into the man after his own heart, the one I had dreamed of marrying, but God had a better person for me.
Maxim, I met on my 23rd birthday and my Master of Business Law celebration. So, that evening, some friends surprised me by renting a private room in a restaurant. And it turned out that Maxim’s brother had the same idea for his bachelor party the same evening.
The restaurant manager, by mistake, had rented the same room to two different people on the same night. Was he really mistaken, or was it just a prank by the Lord?
When I entered the room my eyes were immediately drawn to him as my friends yelled “Happy Birthday, Candice,” waving the banner with my name . He was sitting pretty in his corner while his friends were waving around him. I wasn’t in the mood for fun, either. Damian had decided, without telling me, to take a year off and travel the world with his friends. “Candice, when I come back, we sit down and discuss what we want. And we settle down. Leave this year to me.
Please leave this year to me.” When he came back, he learned that I had gotten married.
– You’re not sleeping? Maxim pulled me out of my thoughts.
– No. I’m not sleepy. I’m thinking.
– Are you thinking about him?
– Him?
– Damian? I know you’ll always love him, so I should share you with him. When specific dates approach, you are sad, cry, and have insomnia. And then tomorrow you’ll finally see each other again, which will be hard for you.
– What are you talking about? I just don’t feel sleepy. I don’t think of anyone else but you. So I lie to him and leave a kiss on her lips.
– Maybe I shouldn’t go with you this time.
– Oh no! I need you by my side, sir. Without you, I am lost.
– I don’t want to be part of this love triangle.
– This love triangle does not exist anymore since I said yes to you.
– I’m sure you often regret having said yes to me.
– No. I’m living a daydream. Go back to sleep and be sure I’m yours and nobody else’s. I’m going downstairs for a glass of milk.
Maxim knew everything about Damian. I hadn’t hidden anything from him. How could I? He had followed me out the door when my phone rang. He had heard my conversation and my fight with Damian. He had seen those tears rolling down my cheeks. He had heard, “I love you, Damian, but until when? I’m waiting for you, but maybe you’ll end up losing me”. Despite that, he stayed to talk with me. He knew that someone else was already there, but he still wanted to put his luggage there, to squat until he was kicked out or became the primary occupant. Maxim had sought me out and found me on social networks. He had seduced me in six months and asked me to marry him. I said yes even though I was still thinking about Damian, hoping he would end his journey and ask me to marry him. Who would I have said yes to?
I don’t know because in six months Maxim had won my heart. His fears today were justified. And so were my lies. I know that Maxim does not deserve me. This man is just exceptional. I always wonder how one can love like he loves me. We talk about men’s infidelity and their evil characters… he is perfect. But I can understand that his parents raised him in the fear and love of God. That’s why he loves me like that.
Two months after we met, Maxim said this sentence that disturbed me, and I knew it was him: “Candice, if you allow me, I promise to love you as we have never loved you, to love you more than I love myself, but I will never love you more than God. I will never put you before him. Don’t expect me to go against my beliefs for you. That is what I was built on. That afternoon I had fallen in love with him. He had described to me what I expected from a man. He had shown me and promised me what my only love had not been able to promise me and what I still wanted. As a young Christian, I had understood during my catechism classes and Sunday sermons that if you love God more than anything else, you can’t hurt others, and you will love them purely and sincerely. This is what he did and still does. Tonight Maxim showed me that he was ready to let me go alone to this reunion. My happiness comes before his grief. How can I still manage to make him suffer by thinking of someone else? Why can’t I close the Damian chapter? I often try not to think about it, but the question is, do I really want to? Do I really want to forget him? Or do I just want to be his only love?